COMMENTS

biancajvv to jwhiteweb:

Voluntary Euthanasia Introduction

September 5, 2016 at 12:36 am

Hi Jarron,

Great work, I like how you introduced your main claim of your topic, very interesting. Just a small suggestion, after reading your intro I would have thought you were going to talk about voluntary and involuntary euthanasia and how the nation is divided in this decision – statistics and what not. However, after reading your plan I see you are going to write about animals being put down, my life my choice and health industries are prolonging life of those in pain. I would suggest introducing these points into your introduction so that the reader can get a clear view of your argument.

Hope this helps
Bianca

 

*****RESPONSE:

JWhite says:

Hi, thanks for your comment.

Yes, I agree. I think I got a bit carried away with trying to hook the reader into the debate and forgot about my actual argument haha. I will try and introduce some of my main points in the introduction.

Cheers.

*****RESPONSE:

biancajvv to jwhiteweb:

September 15, 2016 at 7:10 am

Hi Jarron, you definitely capture the reader’s attention which is great. I see that this blog is linked to your fanfiction.
“Week 5 – weekly updates: Add a new blog on your WordPress site (a new individual blog – unrelated to the Brief 1 group blog).”
I would suggest making a separate blog for brief 2 or at least check this with the tutor to be safe.

 

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biancajvv to mikaylafrazer

Legalising Marijuana Introduction

September 15, 2016 at 9:40 am

Your comment is awaiting moderation.

Hi Mikayla,
Great ideas on your argument and 3 premise. Just a few suggestions: your introduction is quite long. I recommend giving a taste of your discussion and points rather than going into detail. I did the same with my introduction, too much detail and too many words and I found my argument has gone over the word count. I edited part of your introduction below just to give you a few ideas.

Medicinal Marijuana is an extremely controversial topic within the New Zealand community. In New Zealand Marijuana is currently illegal under New Zealand’s Misuse of drugs act 1975,(to possess, distribute, grow and use Marijuana = Put in body paragraph) no matter what the reason maybe. (a person may be charged for violation of any of the above. = put in body paragraph). The use of cannabis for medicinal purposes makes no difference to the consequences. Medicinal Marijuana has been known to aid in many conditions, benefiting patients who would have otherwise suffered without its use.(for conditions such as cancer, anxiety, sleep issues, amongst others = Put in body paragraph).

I also recommend making your premise 2 and 3 more clear in your introduction. Hope this helps.
Bianca

 

 

 

Hi Mikayla,

I completely agree with your argument. Great point, pharmaceutical products shouldn’t be the only option for pain relief there should more natural products available as well. You have also made great points on public safety and how the government can go about controlling consumption and regulations much like alcohol and that the police feel safer to deal with those under the influence of marijuana rather than those drunk. I also like your use of videos, great touch.
Great work Mikayla.

Bianca

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Hi Job,

A very interesting topic and view point. My opinion does differ in the way that a criminal, to get the death penalty or a severe sentence such as life in prison has most of the time don’t something just as severe such as attempted murder, murder and/or rape which effects many lives (family and friends) and the person affected will never be the same again. Some criminals have harmed many people and those people suffer the consequences. Often they have treated their victim in an in-humane manner, which leads me to feel why do they deserve better than their victim. However, it will be interesting to see your argument and the benefits of a Norwegian style system and what the Norwegian system in tales.
A small suggestion, your introduction is quite long, I had the same issue and found my word count went over. You can make the introduction more of a taster of each point rather than going into detail.
Hope this help, I look forward to a very interesting read. You have definitely captured my attention with your introduction, great work.

Bianca

 

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Hi Lily,

Great argument, well written. I didn’t quite know where I stood on this topic, police having guns for their protection because more and more people are beginning to have weapons including firearms. However, you make some excellent points that have swayed me more to the police shouldn’t carry firearms as they are there as much for our safety as for theirs. That a shoot-out could happen in a public area and more civilians could get harmed and there has been many cases of corrupt cops who could end up abusing their right to use a firearm. I do have concern for police being unequipped for a situation but there needs to be some degree of lead by example. As you said, if police start to carry firearms, most likely a lot more criminals will start to carry them as well which is the opposite outcome we are looking for. Great video at the end – breaking news – makes a point.

Good work Lily
Bianca

 

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COMMENTS ON MY BLOG

Draft Argument on Vaccines should be a choice

 

Hi Bianca, thanks for bringing me such an important message, I really learnt a lot from your work. I remember I injected my very first vaccine when I was in primary school, I was too young to know what was that exactly is and what was that gonna help with. I’ve never thought vaccines could have side effects and even could be deadly sometimes.

A little tip for you hope you find it helpful. According to the criteria, we can use some visuals to incorporate our blog, if you can add some images into your work that would be even better. Your logic is very clear and the whole article is well-organized. It seemed you have a very good sense of what is going on in this field, no matter from the academic aspect or the social aspect.

Well done and looking forward to seeing your final draft!
Yimo

*****RESPONSE:

 

Hi Yimo,
Thank you so much for your comment, I am really glad my point came across and would help someone to make an informed decision.
Thank you for your suggestion on visuals, that is fantastic and I have a few coming in my second draft such as graphs and a few pictures.
Thank you for your input
Bianca

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There are heaps of massive claims you are making here, but evidence is pretty light.
Linking to websites like NaturalNews or VaccineDecision isn’t very persuasive as they will bend information to reinforce the position they are promoting.

Also your argument that not getting vaccinated doesn’t put other people at risk doesn’t really make sense. The more people that are vaccinated the safer un-vaccinated people are. So that 20-30% of people whose vaccine didn’t work are protected because most people around them are vaccinated. It makes it very hard for disease to spread. But if people choose not to get vaccinated those people who want to be protected but got an unlucky vaccine now have a higher risk of getting sick.

*****RESPONSE:

 

Hi there,
Thank you for your comment and suggestions.
I will take a closer look at Natural news again and Vaccinedecision, the link to natural news has grouped the ingredients all in one site rather than going through FDA for each ingredient which would mean many hyperlinks and for this task we can’t have too many hyperlinks. All natural news has done is compiled the ingredients and side effects together, so there would be little to manipulate, they can’t make up ingredients that aren’t in a vaccine and side effects that don’t actually happen. For Vaccinedecisions, the article I chose has been written by a doctor explaining how the immune system works again not something that can really be made up or manipulated. However, I will look if I can find another link with all the ingredients in one. Glad that these are the only two bold claims that had passive hyperlinks.

Regardless if everyone got vaccinated there would still be the chance the communicable disease will be caught because of the rate of effectiveness. This rate may be lower however a clean environment and good health would make a huge difference as well. There is a significant decline in these communicable diseases before the vaccine is even imposed which shows that there are other ways of battling a disease. These other avenues should be better researched and vaccines themselves and their side effects should also be better researched as there is a lot we don’t know about them. Keeping in mind the people that make these don’t often do it for humanity they do it for capitalism, vaccine markets being one of the more accessible pharmaceutical markets. A small comparison, beauty clinics, anyone can buy a laser machine and use it. A lot of burns come out of this and permanent damage including moles getting removed that shouldn’t. This is because there aren’t many regulations, same with vaccines. The FDA doesn’t test the vaccines themselves before they approve it, the company themselves do this. There is a lot of faith in these companies to do the right thing. Unfortunately, time and time again they have proved to be untrustworthy.
You do make a good point that my reasoning here isn’t very clear so thank you for bringing this to my attention 1000 words is tight to make an argument like this.
Overall the point is to have a choice, to have a say on what goes into our bodies and our lives, to continue to live in a country that is a democracy not a dictatorship. Same with vaccines it’s a choice that anyone should be able to make for themselves. People die and get harmed everyday by others whether it be by accident or on purpose, selfish or not. When a person or group of people don’t conform, they make it a law to force them to do what they want. Individualism often isn’t accepted, just because those who oppose vaccines and their reasons behind the choice often aren’t heard and said to be crazy, doesn’t make their reasoning any less important. A mother who know their kids, were walking and talking before the vaccine, have the vaccine and suddenly fall ill and their health declines. They know what they have seen, they know their child yet very little has been done to listen to these people, and told it’s not the vaccine that is just a coincidence. People are told their choice is selfish, they may not be getting the vaccine to protect their child, sometimes the negatives outweigh the benefits and for this subject this decision is subjective. A child dying from a vaccine for the best of humanity to lessen the chances another will get sick isn’t a decision I want to make for that mother who lost her child and not one I think anyone else should make for her either. That child’s life wasn’t any less important than the child next to him.

Thank you for bringing to my attention areas in my argument than need fine tuning and I appreciate you sharing your opinion.

Bianca

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Hi Bianca,

I really like your opening statement/paragraph with the inclusion of history regarding the issue and also having it be made clear where we are currently with the issue in today’s society. I think you set up the argument well from the beginning and have made it clear which side you are on, meaning it is not confusing for the reader. I like the inclusion of the shorter sentences like “your choice.” I think they add a bold edge and hold a lot of meaning having a solid impact for the readers. I like that throughout your writing you include the audience in terms of using terms like “us” and “we”, I think its effective making it that little bit more personal.

Overall I think it’s an awesome piece. The hyperlinks are effective and placed well in terms of supporting your points.

Mikayla

*****RESPONSE:

 

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Hi Bianca,

Wow that was so interesting! I had no idea that this was going on. Thank you for giving so much education on this. I think your layout has been structured very well and your introduction is very clear with history and straight to the point with what you will be discussing in the argument. Not sure if I personally agree with your argument 100% but you have made some very valid points and it was very interesting to read thank you!

*****RESPONSE:

 

Hi Lily,

Thank you for your comment, I appreciate you letting me know what worked for you. I absolutely understand and its great to hear your side as this piece is mainly about educating and the right to have a choice. I’m not saying people shouldn’t get vaccines, vaccines have their place but more research needs to go into them and solutions on how to make them better for our bodies as well. There are approximately 300 vaccines in the pipe line and these companies do their own testing, if vaccines became compulsory how many of these would we be forced to put in our system with little knowledge on the long term effects.
Thank you for your input and for taking the time to let me know what you think.
Bianca

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Hi Bianca,

This was such a great topic to choose as I think that many of us do not have an awareness of the points you bring forward. You have mentioned here about cover ups by companies, such as Merck. This is a great point to raise as there seems to be an increasing blur in the line between money and marketing and looking out for the well being of society. I have read in previous instances of pharmaceutical corporation cover ups, and the points you make now add to this list.
To mention something completely different, I also really like your use of images in the background of your blog as it enhances the overall topic and argument.
Your blog is looking great!

Megan

*****RESPONSE:

 

Hi Megan,

Thanks so much for your lovely comment. It is sad that money has become more valuable to some people than others lives. I wish I could say pharmaceutical companies would never do these sorts of things but unfortunately, its not the case. Thank you for that I’m glad you like it, I hope it adds the experience of my blog.

Bianca

 

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